Nicole McCance Psychology Blog

Hope can be our enemy.  Your partner continually shows you a behaviour, but you hold out hope and continue to love the person you want them to be.

For example, in an abusive relationship, there is a cycle of ups and downs. You maintain love for the person your partner is when you are in an upswing, and forgive the violence and anger in the bad times. You hold onto the hope that your partner will change.

Maybe your relationship used to be really good. You hope that in the future, the experience you had in the past will re-appear. Think about the last time this person met your expectations… When did the hope that you hold onto actually prove to be true?  If it was months or even years ago, it’s time to let it go.

If you are not happy, and your hope for this partner is not being met, it’s time to re-examine this relationship. Look at the reality of your life together.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. So if you are constantly mistreated, disappointed, it is up to you to change. Don’t put yourself in the position of having your hopes dashed. You can create some distance between yourself and this person. If you cannot cut them out of your life completely, at least create space.

Let go of the potential, and start having hopes for yourself. You can only control your own situation. And once you apply the hopes, dreams and potential to yourself, you will certainly be happier.

There is no normal when it comes to mental health. One way to notice an issue is to think about whether you have changed. Do you feel different, or have others commented that you have changed?

Another way to discover a mental health issue is to think about how you view of yourself. If you have been depressed for years, there may not have been a point where you noticed a change, so you have to examine the present. Do you constantly compare your happiness, ability to cope, success, or level of anxiety/worry with others? Do you feel worthless, negative, or disappointed, when compared to the people you know?

If you experience any of the following, seek help:

Lasting changes in your sleep or appetite

Feeling worthless, hopeless, or helpless

Thinking or talking about suicide

Inability to cope with problems or daily activities

Depression that does not subside after a couple of weeks

Substance abuse

Extreme mood swings- violent behavior

Strange ideas that seem out of character for you

Strain in your close relationships

We all have some sadness or worry, at least for some of the time. The key is the intensity and frequency of symptoms. Are your symptoms impacting your ability to function at home, work, or socially? Is your issue temporary (such as sadness after a loss or break-up), or has it lasted for a few weeks or months? If your symptoms are severe and lasting, or if you generally feel bad, get help. You can feel better.

I took a break to walk by the water the other day. It was really beautiful. I could hear the waves crashing on the rocks and the birds chirping. The sun was warm on my face. Even though I was in an amazing place, and made time to ground myself, I became caught up in my thoughts. I was unable to focus on where I was, in this perfect atmosphere. I was focusing on what I had to do that day, the things that I didn’t get done from yesterday, and my schedule for the next few weeks. Then I thought, what is the point of me taking this break, if my mind is not in the same place as my body? I might as well have been sitting at my desk being productive, instead of worrying about all of the things I wasn’t doing.

People do these nice things for themselves, like taking a spa day, enjoying a walk, having some down time, etc, but I wonder how often we fully allow ourselves to enjoy the break.

The first thing to do is to catch yourself. So while I was walking by the water, I realized where my focus was and forced a shift to the present. I started to feel the ground beneath my feet, and noticed the sensation of the air on my skin. I took an inventory of all of my senses and how my environment was affecting them. My mind started to wander again, but I caught it and I brought it back to my breath and the present.

Where does your mind live? In the future? In the past? Set the intention to be mindful in the moment.

The point is that it doesn’t matter what you do for yourself, because it won’t matter if you are not fully engaged in the moment, with both your body and your mind. Slow the mind down to let the experience in. Breathe it in. Feel the sensation of the moment and your environment. It is your mind that creates happiness, and you can choose if you control your focus.

Abraham Maslow proposed a theory of human motivation, called the Hierarchy of Needs. First, we all need the basics to survive. These are called Physiological Needs, and include air, food, water, sleep, etc. In thinking about this pyramid, it reminded me that human nature is defined by motivation and needs. Once one level of our needs are met, we focus on the next level. For example, if you don’t have food or shelter, your focus is mostly likely on meeting those needs, and not on attaining self-actualization.

This theory also made me think of relationships, and how we always tend to focus on what’s lacking, rather than what needs are actually being met. Let’s say you don’t have a good sex life. You spend all your time wishing you had a better sex life. With your partner, you might be having fun, share hobbies, communicate well, have the same values, but you forget all those things because you are focusing on your unmet need.

Even though this pattern is natural, it’s helpful to try and break free from our basic human nature, and focus on all of the needs that are being met. If not, your first marriage may crumble because of an unmet need (boring sex life), so you will seek out a new partner who fulfills that void (better sex life). But in your next sexy relationship, some other key element will be missing (your new sexy partner doesn’t get along with your parents, for example). You can spend your romantic life always seeking out the perfect situation, but you’ll never find it.

Start noticing your needs that are being met. What have you overcome together? How do you communicate? Count the things that make your relationship wonderful. You will feel more satisfied, and start to view your partner in a new way.

What is working? What needs are being met?

Know that it’s human nature to focus on what we don’t have… and forget the things we do have. But you can feel happier and more satisfied by breaking the cycle, and looking at all of your needs that are being met.

Have you ever had a conversation with your partner about what being faithful means?

If you’re married or in a committed relationship, you have most likely promised to be monogamous. But what exactly does that mean to you? And more importantly, do you know what it means to your partner?

For most relationships, being faithful means not having sex with other people. It also means that you refrain from investing romantically in others. This means that most of your attention, love, respect should be directed toward your partner.

Let’s say you are at a bar and dancing with your friends. Suddenly, you’re dancing with a stranger. Is that all right, based on your definition of being faithful? How close is too close?

We can often run into trouble at work as well. We develop a friendship, and that person becomes like a spouse in the workplace. We confide in that person, rely on them and trust them with our secrets. Sometimes, we start spending time outside the workplace with that person. But where are your boundaries? Is having dinner and drinks allowed with that person? Are you emailing intimate details of your lives back and forth? Is it a friendship, or a substitution for the things that are missing in your relationship?

How do you know when you’re crossing the line?

I always work with this rule: If you would tell your partner about the behaviour, or even do the behaviour in front of your partner, then it is all right. However, if you hide it and lie about it, you are probably being unfaithful in some way.

I encourage couples to talk about the boundaries they have with others. This includes some fairly difficult questions. I suggest you have this conversation. I have noticed, as a Couples Therapist, that we assume our partners agree with what is acceptable behaviour. However, you may actually have different definitions of what cheating is! If you haven’t had the conversation, don’t assume you share the same definition.

Ask your partner:

Are you allowed to go out for lunch/dinner/drinks with a member of the opposite sex?

Are you able to dance with others when you’re out?

What about emailing about personal details?

Who are you allowed to talk to about the intimate details of your relationship?

It might be time to define these rules, as you could have completely different ideas about what is acceptable behaviour and what is cheating.

I believe that a lot of our suffering and a sense of unfulfillment both come from not loving ourselves enough. We are so hard on ourselves. We often relentlessly push ourselves toward our goals, and wonder why we are exhausted. Most of us treat ourselves how our parents treated us when we were young. If you learned that you were a burden or not good enough in childhood, you are likely treating yourself the same way today.

Before you go to bed, you might run through your list of things to do the next day. You might review your daily tasks and accomplishments. But how often do you think about how well you have taken care of yourself that day? Ask yourself right now: Have I loved myself today? You are so good at loving everyone else, but have you loved yourself?

On a flight, in case of emergency, we are told to put on our own oxygen mask first. If you don’t take care of yourself, you will be unable to take care of others.

Have you loved yourself today? Find a way to invest in yourself. What do you need to feel happy loved and emotional safe?

What does love look like?

Setting boundaries with others.

Getting enough sleep.

Taking a break.

Giving yourself permission to make mistakes.

Taking a long bubble bath.

Having a spa day.

Looking at yourself in the mirror and liking what you see.

Just be aware that a lot of us have negative self-talk. We are hard on ourselves about the things we didn’t do. Try shifting your focus to all the things you accomplish, and everything you do. Pat yourself on the back. Love yourself for who you are, right now, with whatever imperfections you might have.

Remember, before going to sleep at night, ask:

Did I love myself today?

If the answer is no, make a plan to love yourself tomorrow. Write it down next to your bed so you see it when you wake up. Taking care of yourself is the first step in feeling at ease, happy and truly being able to give love to others.

DEPRESSION

Over the holiday weekend, many people tend to experience an increase in feelings of sadness, stress, anxiety and hopelessness. This often occurs as there can be strain and pressure in the family. Also, if you are spending this weekend alone, the isolation can lend to negative feelings. This post is about a serious topic: Depression. It is also about how depression can lead to suicide. Here are some tips to not only combat depression, but to get help when contemplating suicide.

When you fall into a dark hole, you feel trapped, scared, and isolated. Hopelessness and depression are heavy emotions, and you can almost feel the weight of them at all times. I encourage you to look up from this dark place, and see the light, feel the hope. As a psychotherapist, I have seen people who are completely hopeless and depressed transform into the people they always wanted to be. There is hope.

Our moods are never constant. Know that despite how hopeless or negative you feel, your mood can change. It is inevitable. There are tools to help you boost your mood right now. I want to share some tips with you, from my book, 52 Ways to Beat Depression Naturally. Here are some links to tips directly from my book:

Challenge Your Beliefs

http://www.nicolemccance.com/blog/2011/10/05/book-excerpt-1-challenging-your-beliefs/

Your Food Affects Your Mood

http://www.nicolemccance.com/blog/2011/10/13/book-excerpt-2-food-mood/

Being Grateful Can Change Your Life

http://www.nicolemccance.com/blog/2011/10/28/book-excerpt-3-10-things-you-are-grateful-for/

Sleep is So Important for Your Mental Health

http://www.nicolemccance.com/blog/2011/12/17/having-trouble-sleeping/

SUICIDE

If you are contemplating suicide, call your local distress centre or proceed to the nearest emergency room. This article is not a substitute for professional assistance, and it is highly recommended that you seek counselling for your depression.

When facing depression, suicidal thoughts can arise. Sometimes we think, “Life would be better for everyone if I wasn’t here.” This is mild suicidal thinking, if you don’t have any intention on acting on these thoughts. However, if you think or talk about death and/or suicide, or fantasize about your death, this is serious and severe suicidal thinking.

The truth is that if you did end your life, your family and friends will be impacted terribly. Life will never be easier without you. Someone values you and loves you, even if you don’t feel good about yourself right now.

So what can you do to experience relief from suicidal thinking?

• Connect with someone. The worst thing to do is to isolate yourself. This allows your guilt, worthlessness and hopelessness to grow. Share your sadness with your friends, family, or a counsellor. Remember, if you experience any intention to act on your suicidal thoughts, proceed to the nearest emergency room, call a friend or family member, or contact a local distress centre line.

• Think about a time in your routine that makes you feel better. Do you forget your hopelessness when you are walking your dog? Then spend more time doing that! Or does talking to a friend heal your pain, even if it’s temporary? Try to connect with that friend more often. Do you feel better when walking to the bus? Maybe exercise is helping

It can get better. I have seen it happen. Therapy can change your life, by targeting your hopeless, negative, and self-harming thoughts. It works by healing past traumas, building your self-worth, and really changing the way you think about yourself. Seek help and connect with local resources, such as a support group, distress centre, or counsellor.

Habituation is a decrease in response to a stimulus after repeated presentations. So, with repeated appearances of something or someone, we develop a tolerance. This idea applies to most things in life, including relationships!

In the beginning of a relationship, we respond to our partner in an excited state. The body is charged up, and every touch feels electric, because the sensation is new and thrilling. Your brain is releasing feel-good chemicals that produce a sort of euphoric love high. This is the stage in a relationship where you’re thinking that your partner is perfect, the future is looking bright, and you can’t believe how lucky you are.

But (unfortunately) the body and mind cannot sustain this response forever, as it uses up your energy resources. These electrifying new feelings begin to lose their shine, and soon, you are used to your partner. You have become habituated. This is the stage where you weight out the good and the bad. If it’s the right match, you will accept your partner, flaws and all, and continue forward.

Habituation is a natural process, and it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong. The fireworks can’t last a lifetime, they (sadly) have to fade. The hope is that they are replaced with something deeper and more meaningful. The connection you have after habituation should be filled with friendship, respect, and yes, passion. The passion will just occur on a deeper level, because it’s not new anymore.

Habituation can sometimes be harmful though, as when you are used to someone, it’s easy to take them for granted, or to stop noticing them. If this is the case, try these few simple tips, to you can reconnect with your partner.

• Practice being grateful. Look at your partner and think about the qualities you admire in them. What attracted you in the beginning? What have you learned about that person over your time together?
• Think back to the beginning of your relationship? How did you connect physically with your partner? Was it just sex, or did you give each other massages, take baths together, play sports, or go for walks? Re-introduce these physical and sexual activities that used to make you feel so connected.
• Change up your routine. If you eat dinner in front of the television every night, or perhaps don’t eat dinner together at all, make a point of preparing a meal, and enjoying it together without distraction. Or, if you both spend your weekends relaxing at home, plan a date outside of the house to reconnect.

Remember: Habituation is normal and it happens to us all, it’s just a matter of not taking it personally and doing the work to stay in love and stay excited.

Loneliness is common while you’re single. We tend to romanticize what being in a relationship is like. So, you focus on all of the good things; making dinner together, a person to call when your car breaks down, or someone to just spend the day with. In the winter, we may develop a stronger urge to pair up, to have someone to cuddle and hibernate with.

I have noticed that my single clients tend to focus on all of the things that they miss from being in a relationship. They forget the good things about being SINGLE! Once you find “the one” you may never be single again! Might as well enjoy it while you can…

Relish in your single life, because I hear my married clients telling me they wish, that sometimes, they could have their own space again and enjoy the freedom of not having to report to anyone.

So for now, while you’re single, try to focus on the positives of being on your own. What makes single life work for you, right now? It’s funny when you let go of the attachment of finding someone, and spend time dating yourself, loving yourself, that perfect person will appear in your life and you will be ready, and not lonely.

Embrace your singledom while it lasts!

• Try sleeping in your bed sprawled out tonight…Why?…Because you can!
• Book a vacation…a spa day…spend some money… There is no one to telling you that you can’t!
• Enjoy your friendships and being social…Stay out late!
• Do all of those things that you have always wanted to do, now that you have free time and your own schedule.

Maybe you can’t wait to be in a relationship, and if that’s the case, be patient and it will come. In the meantime, stop beating yourself up about being single! Enjoy it.

Live your life to the fullest and you will attract someone who does the same. If you want a strong, independent, intelligent person, you must mirror those qualities in yourself. Stop romanticizing being in a relationship and choose to be happy now. The grass is always greener on the other side, so today set the intention of focusing on what you do have rather than what you don’t.

I believe that we all have a recipe for happiness. I notice that each of my clients have certain activities or behaviours that, when practiced regularly, can improve their mood.

For one of my clients, exercise is the key to happiness. For another, getting enough sleep is the biggest factor.

It just depends on your individual needs. So think about you routine. Notice, when do I feel happiest? Does my good mood coincide with exercise, sleep, eating, taking my vitamins, seeing friends, or being productive at work? When does your mood improve? What makes you feel hopeful, happy, and positive? Do more of those things. It’s simple really.

Ask yourself if you are getting the things you need to be happy. Don’t feel guilty about your needs, and stop comparing yourself to others. Know what you have to do to make your happiness formula work.

So, make a priority list of these things that work in your formula.

Below is an example of a Happiness Formula. Take a look and then calculate yours!

Aerobics 4 x week + Yoga 1x a week + Sleeping 8 hours + Socializing with Friends 2x a week + Taking Supplements Daily + Sex (or self pleasure) 3x a week = You feeling calmer, happier and having more ease in your life.

Some people need less sleep, others need more sex, some hate yoga, but think about what works for YOU. Take a moment to think about what your happiness formula is. Think about the things, when you do them, that light you up, make you happy and bring you joy. Book these things in to your calendar. Once you get into the habit of doing them, they will become second nature and then you will get to the point where you can’t live without them! You will feel so much better that not sticking to your happiness formula will feel so bad that you will want to do it.